I’m lost, I don’t want to be found. I feel like the dead amongst the living, my Life has become a living hell, I’m just like a living ghost!
The reason I exist I don’t know, I’m stuck at a cross road not sure whether to turn left or right, I’m so blinded by confusion and paralyzed by fear, I’m all alone in this place disappointment, darkness and struggle.
I wanted the world to watch me like television as I tell a vision, but now, my life’s is the only movie I’m desperate to end, suicidal thoughts keeps playing with my mind like a football, Maybe that’s my penalty for being born. Maybe, I am a mistake. Maybe, I don’t belong here. Maybe.
“Gunugun kii ku lewe” yoruba says
(The vulture never dies young)
But this vulture has been overbeaten by the heavily descending rain!
It has rained pebbles and stones on her.
This vulture is cold.
I’m dying, I can’t help it any longer, I can’t find peace that would piece together my brokenness, perhaps, the peace could be death.
I’ll take my life before death takes me.
After all, death is the real life.
In the next life, I will be strong in the midst of the storms.
Pray for my soul,
It was exactly 2am, I dropped my pen. I was desperate to die, I thought I had nothing to lose, I was so focused on dying, that the whole world just fell away
I looped a torn strip of sheet through the grid of the ceiling vent, I thought hanging is the most easiest way to die, I quickly climbed up to a dresser, slipped my head through the noose. For a moment, I accepted that I would die once I jumped off, I wished I could turn back the hands of time but it didn’t seem possible, I couldn’t see a U-turn.
As I was about jumping off, a hand suddenly grabbed my wrist from behind,
“Please! Don’t take your life!” She cried out!
” Don’t you understand? You’re a…ll I’ve g..ooot!”
” I can’t live without you, there’s no me without you” She knelt down before me and sobbed so loudly..
Now, she was looking straight at me, I knew who she was immediately, It was PURPOSE; the woman in my head. her eyes were bloodshot. If you can imagine a mother pleading with her a killer not to shoot her child, It was exactly like that.
I was so confused but it seemed real, I saw purpose. I saw her! She held me!
“You can’t die until you release me. Unleash me, please!” She continued.
“Release me! The world is waiting for my manifestation!
Jose.. I’m the record breaker the world’s waiting for.”
I’m the door to greatness, unlock me!”
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Her words stabbed my heart until I repented. The thought of dying disappeared, I found a reason to live again untill I suddenly slipped and jumped off then the whole world gradually faded away by in my eyes. Purpose stared at me there hanging traumatized. I died right away. I mean my past died.
Then, I woke up flat on a gurney with my head immobilized and someone shouting “She’s alive!”, Then It didn’t dawned on me that I didn’t die. I suddenly remembered meeting purpose, I was sure I met her. I was purpose. She gave me a reason to live. She’s my reason, my essence.
I’m glad I didn’t die, because If I did, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.